So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
