VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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