I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
