I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
