I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
