Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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