True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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