New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
