You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
