I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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