In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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