Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Come share oat with me in your robe
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
