She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
