what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
