I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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