Texts From Last Night

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  (813): View more from Florida

  I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???

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  (813): I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business??? http://tfl.nu/t2g2
  Replies (22) Good night (5196) Bad night (718)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible

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  (573): Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible http://tfl.nu/a2el
  Replies (31) Good night (1032) Bad night (3416)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.

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  (765): Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom. http://tfl.nu/gaio
  Replies (32) Good night (3327) Bad night (5881)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.

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  (248): Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in. http://tfl.nu/0n5k
  Replies (19) Good night (1208) Bad night (4074)
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  (914): View more from New York

  This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.

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  (914): This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive. http://tfl.nu/c66s
  Replies (11) Good night (1143) Bad night (4045)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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  (763): Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg... http://tfl.nu/nasy
  Replies (44) Good night (2683) Bad night (6571)
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  (845): View more from New York

  I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar

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  (845): I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar http://tfl.nu/fuzg
  Replies (22) Good night (969) Bad night (1577)
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  (925): View more from California

  Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.

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  (925): Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs. http://tfl.nu/ssx7
  Replies (13) Good night (1878) Bad night (647)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.

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  (732): Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock. http://tfl.nu/432f
  Replies (10) Good night (1481) Bad night (550)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.

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  (773): This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real. http://tfl.nu/vkv3
  Replies (3) Good night (594) Bad night (439)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.

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  (316): You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off. http://tfl.nu/rf92
  Replies (4) Good night (348) Bad night (778)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.

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  (801): I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker. http://tfl.nu/s4wz
  Replies (2) Good night (582) Bad night (358)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.

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  (406): Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year. http://tfl.nu/tnbc
  Replies (1) Good night (522) Bad night (301)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways

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  (514): He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways http://tfl.nu/0cc7
  Replies (0) Good night (978) Bad night (278)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm gonna eat you out. But for science

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  (423): I'm gonna eat you out. But for science http://tfl.nu/34e6
  Replies (2) Good night (990) Bad night (288)

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