wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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