I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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