I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
