Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sorry my hands just texted you
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
