i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Randomize
