I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
