my sisters under your porch take her home
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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