I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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