I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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