Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
