fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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