Do you still have your period?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
