the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.