you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.