I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
