Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
