RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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