1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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