Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
