Just fell off a train. Bad.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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