Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
