I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
