I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
