i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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