I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
