Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
