i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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