just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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