she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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