I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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