bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
