I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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