Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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