her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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