I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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