Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think your dad took our porno
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
