my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
