so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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