I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
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Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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