Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
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