I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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