Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i would punch a child for taco bell
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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