I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
